Am I a Death Magnet

Larry my partner in crime for the Creative People in Recovery support group every Saturday said, "Man your some kind of death magnet." I got to thinking that maybe he is right. After all I lost two close friends within a few months of each other.

It all started in the early nineties. I get a call from a cold hospital worker saying "Dr Wagner can not make your appointment tomorrow." Well DR. Wagner could not make any appointments since he died. My resource coordinator told me the next day and read me his obituary over the phone. I went to his funeral. It was the first time someone close to me died since I never really got to know my grandparents.

Everything was ok for awhile but in late 1990's my friend John committed suicide. It was the first time someone I knew committed suicide. It would not be the last.

My mom died on December 30, 1999. I always said "She missed the new millenium by one day. It was painful. I loved moma a lot. She was a great mother and activist. She got a posthumous award for her mental health / homeless advocacy. Fro years she fought for the rights of people society deemed worthless, especially people in state hospitals where she fought to end the use of restraints.

Things were ok for awhile. And then Marie my best friend and sister got Melinoma. She lied to us saying "It's only basil cell." every time we said "Get that thing off your back." She died on November 6, 2005. Over one hundred and ten people came to her funeral. They all said that she was a wonderful human being who cared about others. I some times wonder why she would not get treatment. I guess she saw our mother die slowly from cancer and did not want to go that route. I wrote 30 some poems about her and want to start up on them again.

Then dad died on September 27, 2006. I found him dead in his bed. He was naked. I called 911 and the parimedics came and declared him dead. They asked me what he had medically. I was sobbing so one said "We need to know stuff about your dad. So calm down for a little bit." I said "diabetes, heart failure and high blood pressure." I called my family(what is left of them) in Texas (A sister and brother-inlaw) and Pittsburgh ( A Brother and sister in law.) This was the shittiest day of my life. Worse then restraints. Worse then my psychosis in which I thought demon worshipers were after me. I kept seeing my dad dead in his bed. To shack this image from dominating my head I created three poster collages of his life. To this day I rotate them with my sisters posters and my moms which i created for each of their funerals.

Next up was John from church and the movement. I first met him at the wonderful Wed. program at my church. I knew something was up with him and then he came to a conference for people in recovery for mental illnesses. Well at church he said during class that he was suicidal and that he did a practice of taking a large dose of medicine. The minister tried to help him. HE did not come to the next session. I called the minister the next day to see how he was. She said are you doing anything now?" I said no. She came over and was crying and said "Do not do this to yourself. he hurt so many people by doing this" I promised I would not.

In August my friend Warren died of brain cancer. He was a great guy and I will always remember how he and his partner Tony showed us around New YOrk City when I had my art show at the HAI gallery. What a sweet human being he was. I went to his viewing and the catholic church service. I went to his grave site with Tony and his family. I also did a zine of his poetry but his family will not return my calls concerning it.

I thought it was over. Who else could die in my life??? Then Karen. I met Karen when I was in Friends Hospital when I was 16. We shared an aunt and uncle and set of cousins despite not being related. Her mom was my aunts sister who married my moms brother. She always said we were kissing cousins. WE did so much together over the years, like the Renaisance RAire and New Hope and Princeton. Like Warren, she was one of my best friends. She said that she never felt so depressed to me about a month before here death. She committed suicide on December 9,2007. My family wanted to wait to tell me when I got to Texas to see my sister and brother in law, but her brother found my number with a note that said "Call David." In some respects I was glad I learned of it then since I got the chance to write about our life together before my vacation in Texas. I shared it with my uncle, aunt and cousins we shared and her brother and father, who has Alzheimers.

Well I hope I did not depress you. And please stay alive.